Are they superpowers?
In short, YES! In a lot of spaces, I write that ADHD and anxiety are my superpowers. And I’m certain that some will agree with me and others won’t. If I had been diagnosed in my youth and someone told me that these things were my superpowers, I would’ve either laughed to myself at the lie or I would’ve gotten low maybe even depressed because in no way did any part of my life feel like I had any sort of superpower.
I felt pretty dumb in school. My working memory sucked and I absolutely could not keep my mind focused in class. I’d sit down every day, in every class, and psyche myself up to learn. But in a matter of minutes, my attention was somewhere else or I had fallen asleep. It was so frustrating. When I’d catch myself doing either, I’d berate myself with negative talk in my head. On top of ADHD, anxiety was fully onboard. The panic that my body felt inside if someone just looked at me, was as if someone was chasing me with a knife. And if a teacher called on me, forget it.
Because I wasn’t this way at home, I figure that I either inherited my anxiety in school and social situations or it was possibly born from some early childhood experience. The most prominent memory I dig up regularly is from my first preschool. We were being tested on our alphabet and I remember practicing in the car with my dad. I knew the alphabet song inside and out but when I knew I had to be tested, I kept on messing up. I remember my dad telling me not to worry and that I could do it. Well, I did mess up. And ever since then participating in school and being able to learn in a classroom setting has rarely been easy or positive.
Honestly, I have no idea how I was able to graduate from high school, college, and get a master’s degree. Luckily, I found some loopholes in education after grad school, that really helped me feel intellectually confident. Online learning. Once I didn’t have to sit in a classroom, I could study and learn at my own pace, and there was no fear of being called on or judged, a new world was open to me. School is expensive, so I studied things that I was super interested in and also that I could afford. Because the anxiety wasn’t overwhelming and I was learning something that I was interested in, I excelled. So, yes ADHD is a superpower, for me. And the ability to sense the people and things around me, I consider to be connected to anxiety. When I can ground myself and the space around me, I can sense and feel something without taking it on and into my body. So, pretty much another superpower.
But, last year I enrolled in a yoga 200hr training, which rolls into yoga therapy training upon passing. It is an online learning platform and there are lots of assignments and “tests”… and people to disappoint. During this program, I’ve revisited my anxiety with homework and testing by a human and not a computer. I managed to do really well in the 200 hr program. I truly loved the material and application of yoga that we infused into our own lives. However, as I dive deeper into the yoga therapy training I have found myself stuck on an assignment. I’ve been asking myself why have I been stuck on this assignment for months? And the answer is because this is a direct application of what we’ve learned and how we would use it in certain situations with certain people. And I don’t want to mess up, be wrong, nor disappoint my teachers. It is like the scared, young student I once was has taken a seat in my grown-up body. In this instance, I don’t think the perfectionism gifted by ADHD or my anxiety are superpowers. It makes me stall, second guess my abilities, and feels crippling. But the reward of facing my anxiety and fears by completing something I love and am fairly natural in working with because I can sense and assess the body in unique ways, actually feels like a win. Like a superpower.
So, I guess it’s just perspective. I could list all of the ways that ADHD and anxiety disrupts or robs my life. Or I could acknowledge my struggles and see the beauty of figuring out the ways that I overcome them. Yes, I still daydream. Yes, I get distracted and sidetracked often. Yes, I find my heartbeat racing and feel all the feels almost all the time. Yes, I do have impulsive reactions. Yes, I get overwhelmed and totally stuck. And, yes I have developed tips and tricks that work for me so I can grow and be the best I can be in the moment. I can confidently say that ADHD and anxiety are troublemakers for me AND they are also my super powers.
How about you? How do you feel about the things that might feel like a hinderance or disturbance in your life? Could they actually become your superpower?
